Why Would Relationship Coaching Benefit You?
The vast majority of my clients did not seek me out for relationship coaching at first. They sought me to improve their communication and confidence. Most of this work involves purposes such as leadership, handling conflicts or increasing visibility at work.
And as my clients start to see improvements in their professional relationships, some of them start to notice how their interpersonal challenges overlap, or even mirror those in their personal relationships.
Differences arise wherever interpersonal boundaries meet. If this is true at the workplace, isn’t it the same in our personal relationships? In fact, might the challenges be greater, since this is where our boundaries clash more intimately? After all, that’s where our real selves show up.
The way a person is – beliefs, habits, strengths and weaknesses – show up in all areas of life. For example, the way you communicate and deal with conflicts at work will be similar, if not the same, as how you do it at home. This is why, if coaching can shift how you approach your professional relationships, it can benefit you in your most important, personal relationships as well.
Top 5 Pain Points I Encounter in Relationship Coaching
The clients who coach with me are mostly in long-term, committed relationships. It’s no surprise that the more committed you are, the deeper you and your partner will come to know one another. And this includes encountering your weaknesses and idiosyncrasies.
In my relationship coaching sessions, there are some pain points that emerge often. Which one(s) resonate with you most? ↓
① You quickly lose patience with your partner.
② You cry easily.
③ Your partner says you’re too blunt or hurtful with your words.
④ You want to express a need to your partner, but keep quiet instead.
⑤ You have difficulty connecting with your partner.
⑥ Your partner says you’re ‘tiring’.
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Your Emotions Are The Problem So You Need Relationship Coaching
Emotions often get a bad rap, like they are the cause of problems.
We sometimes say that a person is ‘too emotional’ like there’s something wrong with them, that the fact they feel emotions is what’s wrong with them. Based on this belief, some might come to relationship coaching thinking they’re a lousy partner, or that they are ‘broken’ in some way.
Nothing is further from the truth; relationship coaching is focused on helping you grow into a healthier partner – in less time and with less unnecessary pain. The image of a dysfunctional, ‘broken person’ is more associated with therapy, not relationship coaching.
And in case it isn’t obvious to you: the fact that you are willing to ask for help and change, speaks volumes about your commitment to your partner!
Emotion Is Part of A Healthy Human Being
Research in neuroscience has long established that emotions are part of our decision-making, sense-making and survival (read this article and this paper from Scholars at Harvard). Emotions also help us connect with other human beings and build relationships. Conversely, research have shown that individuals who cannot access their emotion — regardless through congenital defects or accidents — have trouble making even simple decisions (like what to have for lunch) and being accepted by their social groups.
In fact, emotions are also key to effective and impactful communication!
Thus, do not feel gulity or ashamed that you seem feel your emotions strongly.
"I’ve had issues communicating with my partner. But after what I learnt from you, I was finally able to speak my thoughts, share my feelings. It was a nothing short of a 180º transformation!"
El, I experienced a breakthrough in my communication after our previous session.
As you know, I’ve had issues communicating with my partner for quite a while. I found it hard to talk to her, and it was difficult to share my feelings with her.
But after what I learnt from you in our previous session, that same night, I had one of the best conversations with my her! I was finally able to speak my thoughts, share my feelings… most importantly, she was finally able to understand and relate to what I was expressing!
It was a nothing short of a 180º transformation, from how we have been!
From the start, I was mindful of the space; I didn’t fall into the trap of having the conversation with her while I was driving. This thing you spotted already made a fundamental difference!
When we sat down to talk, I stayed aware of how I was somatically. I shifted my breath and my body as needed, so I was able to manage my emotions and articulate my needs. The conversation went so smooth, and at the end, I really felt understood. Finally!
I also shared your techniques with my partner, and showed her how to use them. She instantly felt she could calm herself down and be in better control of her words. True enough, when she applied it to talk with her family, she was able to get her message across clearly, without breaking down in tears!
Ever since that day, I felt that I have no problems speaking with people. Incredible, right?
I’ve also been using and sharing this at the workplace, where I often have to help my team deal with interpersonal issues. I feel great that I’m able to improve my communication and to offer the same help to others.
I’m not perfect yet. But this experience was truly insightful, because I can clearly see what I was doing wrong in the past! Now I know how I can make better communication happen!
I feel extremely happy that I’m able to share how I feel and what I need, without offending people. But I’m most happy that I can share my inner thoughts to my partner and be understood.
Looking forward to more!
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How Does Relationship Coaching Help With Being ‘Too Emotional’?
Think of emotions as ‘energisers’. Every type of emotion energies us for certain tasks.
Anger energies us to change and push. Fear energizes us to draw back and protect. This is why I often tell my clients that emotions are essentially our energy.
Think of ‘e-motion’ as ‘that which puts us in motion’.
If that relates with you, I wonder if you can start to see emotions as useful, rather than a burden or hinderance.
If so, the question can shift from “how do I be less emotional” to “how can I better make use of this energy”?
When I coach clients for their relationships, one of the most common units of work is to learn how to utilise the energies that their emotions bring, in ways that help support the outcomes the clients want.
Instead of trying to ignore the emotion, or thinking that it is wrong to be feeling the emotion, we can learn to be aware of what needs the emotion is responding to, and how we can harness the emotional energy for the actions (or words) that will serve the need.
Acting out angrily is different from accessing anger ❤︎
This is a practical description of what is referred to as ‘emotional mastery’.
Of course, this part of relationship coaching also involves learning to not be overwhelmed or blindly-driven by your emotions. For example, I often emphasise to clients, “Acting out angrily is different from accessing anger”. You want to feel strong, not violent.
For most people, emotions can be abstract or confusing, which is why the private and 1-to-1 format of the relationship coaching I do can be immensely supportive towards such personal work.
With Ellery’s coaching, I’m able to access my courage to voice out what I want & my opinions. I introduced my husband to work with Ellery as well. He’s typically not one for such forms of personal support, but he’s now glad he has Ellery as his coach!
Sessions with Ellery are very chill. It feels like a conversation with a friend but you get the direction and guidance that you need to hear.
I’ve had Ellery as my coach for over a year. On our first couple of sessions I already felt very comfortable talking to him. When he works with me, I don’t feel judged, and I think that’s the most important thing. When I go into a session, I don’t have to put up a front if I’m not feeling good that day. I can be very honest about it and Ellery will walk me through it together. He creates a space that is very comfortable and safe.
I find his coaching to-the-point and effective. Reason being his methods are somatic in nature – which can help me to not just think differently, but feel differently as well, by working through my physical body. This is very practical as it’s easier to apply anytime and anywhere. When Ellery brought me through one of these somatic methods, I experienced how I could actively override social anxiety and restore my confidence regardless of the situation I am in.
Besides the effective sessions, I remember a couple of phone conversations he had with me because I wasn’t feeling good about work and myself; resulting in anxiety. Ellery gave me perspective from a third person’s point of view and it helped me take myself out of the situation and see more possibilities. Things ‘clicked’ and my decisions became a little bit easier.
I am a better communicator now for sure. Working on myself with Ellery’s coaching, I’m able to access my courage to voice out what I want, and to voice my opinions without worrying about what other people think about me. These were huge challenges for me, from professional and personal standpoints.
Of course, I still have good days and bad days. But now, even on my bad days, I can catch my negative self-talk, and make the choice to shift. I’m not so harsh on myself anymore often taking a kinder and softer tone.
I actually introduced my husband to work with Ellery as well. He’s typically not one for such forms of personal support, but he’s now glad he has Ellery as his coach!
Ellery’s methods are definitely useful and I am happy to have started on this journey with him. He has equipped me with skills that I will be able to keep for life.
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How Does Relationship Coaching Help if You’re ‘Too Logical’
It might be useful to first consider the perspective that ‘too emotional’ and ‘too logical’ aren’t opposites. They are simply describe two different ways of responding to emotions when they come up.
In my relationship coaching experience, one of the most common beliefs of clients who deem themselves ‘too logical’ is that they don’t have emotions. This is untrue, as any human being who is healthy (enough) will experience emotions. In fact, at any given moment, you are likely experiencing more than one emotion. It’s a more about:
• how aware you are when emotions come up for you
• what emotions you’re not comfortable with
• how you might be deflecting from emotions
It’s not that you don’t have emotions; it’s likely that you’re unfamiliar with them.
As such, one common area of work is to help the client re-acquaint with the emotions that they have been ignoring or denying, and to learn how to do so a manner that feels safe. Why I can confidently say that most ‘overly logical’ clients actually possess emotions is how quite a few would uncover that they resist feeling their emotions. This is most often rooted in fear… which is emotional.
When you are able to see how you actually have emotions and recognise them, then we can move into helping you learn how to make use of them. Essentially, it goes back to the same emotional mastery I mentioned earlier — learning how to harness the energy that the emotion brings, so you can perform actions to take care of your needs.
"Ellery worked with me during one of the most challenging periods of my life, when the two-decade relationship with my partner ended. Navigating this emotional turmoil was overwhelming, but Ellery’s support was a lifeline."
Before coming to Ellery, I had challenges with communication due to mental barriers which resulted in much undue stress. Throughout the months working with Ellery, I felt these personal mental barriers slowly break down, and a new way of being opened up for me. A truly liberating experience.
Ellery has a great gift of coaching, using both individualized and practical approaches to give you tools to make changes in your life. He employs active listening and empathy to allow him (and yourself) to uncover barriers in yourself, giving your mind clarity and opening up possibilities that you can work on.
Coupled with practical somatic approaches, you learn to use your body to change your thoughts on the go which I used daily in both my work and personal life. I’ve even shared it to many of my friends and they have found it useful too.
Thank you Ellery – as testament to the work he’s done, I’ve even gotten a promotion!
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A Healthy Relationship Starts With an Emotionally-Healthy You
I’m sure you are already fully aware of how emotion is at the core of relationships, especially if you want longevity and resilience. And in particular, I hope that you can see how emotions is part of any healthy human being. So for a relationship to be healthy, the individual needs to be emotionally-healthy — knowing one’s own emotions, and being able to work with them instead of against them.
Relationship Coaching Helps You Become More Emotionally-Competent
Trying to make a breakthrough in your emotions can feel daunting or confusing, especially if it is not a familiar part of your formative experiences. It can be difficult (or take a painfully long time) to navigate alone, and you might not feel your relationship partner is able to help you. If so, relationship coaching can provide you the expertise and safety you need to grow, and to become the ideal partner you know you can be.
What coaching is
Coaching is a form of super-customised learning, focused solely on your needs. It is one of the most dignified forms of professional help, because you choose the topic, direction and depth of what you wish to work on.
In fact, my clients are NOT ‘broken’ in any way. They are capable, creative and self-initiated individuals who want to live out their full potential. Many of them are high-performers in a range of areas.
They just want support to help them hit their objectives more quickly and with less pain.
If taking ownership of your growth appeals to you, coaching is might be suitable for you.
WhatsApp me now, to find out how you and I can work together to make you a better partner in your relationship.
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“I was in a very bad place in my personal life & I needed help out of a constant downward spiral of negativity & guilt. After coaching with Ellery, I feel a lot more at peace with myself; how to truly love and be compassionate towards myself so that I may be towards others as well.”
I’d recommend Ellery to anyone who’s aware that they’re in a loop or cycle that they can’t break out of and needs some professional, external and unbiased coaching to help them become aware of how to move out of that zone. It’s really hard to change something when you can’t see the ‘blindspots’ and I think that’s very applicable in this situation.
I was in a very bad place in my personal life and I needed some guidance, advice, help and feedback to organize my thoughts and find a way forward out of what seemed like a constant downward spiral of negativity and guilt. I was trying to control everything in my life.
After coaching with Ellery, I feel a lot more at peace with myself; with who I was and how I came to be who I am. And how to truly love and be compassionate towards myself first so that I may be towards others as well. I’m more confident in myself, I know that I’ll figure things out even when things get messy and I know that life will be okay even if it doesn’t go according to plan.
I loved and respected the fact that Ellery is not one to shy away from calling me out on my shit. As someone who loves to over-rationalize, it’s easy to end up making excuses for myself and frame the narrative as a fixed story in my head. I also think that Ellery’s very skilled at sifting through all my stories (and Lord knows I love to tell my stories to explain myself) and finding the root of my unhappiness or dissatisfaction, which really neatens the whirlwind of thoughts and opinions and feelings in my head which are all entangled amongst each other.
"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are."
~ Paulo Coelho